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Mike Warner
Mike Warner is an unrepentant asshole in both the Walkyverse and Dumbing of Age. That pretty much sums it up. No one really knows why he acts this way. He has described himself as, "Whatever you don't want me to be.http://www.shortpacked.com/blog/comic/book-3-is-totally-gay/04-head-of-the-schemin/scientific/ Walkyverse An abductee, Mike worked as a SEMME agent defending the world against alien invasions until the government agency's dissolution. His abductee powers have never been clearly specified, but they do include endurance and enhanced strength (or at least unnatural throwing ability), which is common among the abductees. His ability to piss people off, though, is natural. He died (valiantly) defending the world and your mom from the Martian Invasion in 2004, but apparently even death couldn't stop him, and in 2005 fellow SEMME agent Robin DeSanto found him working at the toy store Shortpacked! right after she was hired there herself. History As a kid, Mike wished he could choke people with his mind like Darth Vader, a childhood dream he never truly abandoned. He also supposedly trained a fleet of squirrels to mate with a five-year-old girl's mom at said girl's birthday party on some foggy, long-forgotten day. Although it is not clear what religion Mike belongs to, he claims it involves the sacrifice of puppies. Every Halloween Mike does something extremely offensive. At one point, he dressed as Saddam Hussein (complete with Osama bin Doggie in tow). He has also dressed up as the first Big Boss. Generally, Mike's year-round actions are worse than his Halloween ones, if less extravagant. SEMME Mike was first seen in 1999 working for SEMME, an organization dedicated to saving the earth and killing aliens. Lots of them. A Squadron 128 member, he was always the resident asshole, except when drunk - at this point, his personality reversed, and he became polite, gentle and respectful. He seemed to particularly enjoy insulting Walky and Joyce Brown over everyone else, though this may have something to do with them generally being the most important characters. He has (had?) a sort of friendship with Jason Chesterfield and they are (were?) at least drinking buddies. It is unknown how exactly he views Jason when sober, but Mike seems less hostile with him than usual. They are frequently shown walking together, though they seem to speak little. According to Jason, Mike makes "a great friend when he's drunk". Another reason may be that compared to the rest of the squad, Mike is the closest thing to mature, intelligent, guy-to-guy conversation Jason can get. Apart from Jason, Dina Sarazu was the closest thing Mike could call a friend (not that he would ever say so out loud). Mike first seemed to view Dina as the perfect target - insecure, socially inept, and extremely self-critical - but it turned out that she was so oblivious that she just accepted his insults. Though Mike verbally attacked her at any given opportunity, Dina used their conversations to learn more about herself and to try to work on her faults (keyword: try). Mike seemed to genuinely (if secretly) like Dina, almost smiling when she hugged him and taking her to the museum. He visited her apartment frequently, even after she kept him drunk for an extended period of time, much to his chagrin. He later slept with her, possibly in response to her keeping him drunk, and left in the morning, destroying her last shred of confidence. Joyce later suggested that Dina "defeated" Mike because she managed to garner an emotional reaction from him without alcohol - he was humiliated and angry that she had used him and exposed his nicer side. Walky blamed Mike for Dina's eventual death during the JFO's invasion of SEMME HQ (mostly out of jealousy that Dina liked Mike better, as revealed later in his apology) and beat him within an inch of his life. After these incidents, Mike transferred to Squadron 82, swapping squads with Robin DeSanto. Mike later suggested to Joe that he fell in love with Dina, but this is reasonably doubted. That said, Dina's death actually elicited a genuine emotional reaction from Mike. In 2004, Mike died during the Martian Invasion saving Joyce's life. After his death, he appeared in "purgatory" alongside Walky, Ruth Lesse, Dina and many other definitively-dead characters. Mike's fellow SEMME agents searched in vain for two months for any scrap of Mike's DNA that they could use to resurrect him in the Martian Resurrection Chamber that Joe built after the invasion. Shortpacked! However, in January of 2005, Mike reappeared, very much alive and working in the Shortpacked! toy store. Several years later, Joyce later explained that "someone leaked some resurrection chamber blueprints to a rival non-government-affiliated tech company on the down-low. and a blood-stained shirt." At the store, Mike's natural propensity for inflicting physical and mental suffering on others made him a natural fit for Galasso's demands. To no surprise, he ultimately inspired Galasso to create the Customer Protection Rackets (CPR) system, and is the store's best CPR seller. Mike was also the first one to suspect Ethan Siegal was gay, and the one who ultimately made him realize it. After Robin demanded that the store's staff "wow themselves up" to avoid a summer slump, Mike simultaneously bedded (and woke up next to) both Ethan and Amber O'Malley after the two of them decided to drown their relationship sorrows in alcohol. He even went as far as to enlist Faz in his scheme, but the less said about that, the better. The moral of this story: never ask Mike for anything. Ever. Unless you use liberal amounts of alcohol. Soon afterwards, Amber discovered that Mike had been drinking to work a job at McAwesome's Parasailing and Chocolate Bakery. She used this knowledge to bribe her way into dating Mike - the real Mike (and by that we mean sober!Mike). Their first date was spent strangling lobsters and throwing rocks at seals. Some time later, Mike and Amber took a trip to New York to meet Mike's parents. Amber was somewhat shocked to realize that Mr. and Mrs. Warner was nice, normal, loving people who had kept Mike's room untouched for years after his supposed death. The revelations were interrupted by the arrival of the Giant Mutant Frosted Honey Bun, who was on the rampage through the city. Teaming up, Mike and Amber (as her Amazi-Girl alter-ego) successfully defeated the monster, earning congratulations from Mike's old friend Jason. Mike made one last push to get rid of Amber by recording a proposal message cut together from the sounds of Amber's mother, Stacy O'Malley, having sex with Jacob. To his surprise, she still accepted his proposal, which was probably just as well: within minutes, Amber realized she was pregnant with Mike's child as a result of a hi-larious birth control mix-up accidentally engineered by Robin DeSanto. Following their wedding, Mike and Amber left the store to manage a new Shortpacked! branch in Denver and raise their daughter, Donna Mae Warner. Trivia *Mike's character is inspired by David Willis' friend in fifth grade, Jason Michael Warner. The real Mike Warner apparently was very friendly and always smiled. *David Willis had planned to reveal a backstory for Mike which involved the Giant Mutant Frosted Honey Bun tearing through New York. However, after 9/11, the story was postponed and eventually dropped. Elements of the aborted story were later used in the Shortpacked! chapter This Man--This Manhattan! *According to Ethan, Mike is the hottest guy in the store. Jacob's arrival may have changed that. *Starred with Bart O'Ryan in the cult comic LAWsome. *He might be left-handed, right-handed or ambidextrous. *Mike has done your mom for a nickel. So has everyone else. *Mike is musically inclined and can play the violin, but he only does so to be a jackass. *Mike got wood when Amber chased off David Willis and Maggie for celebrating their dating anniversary while Amber couldn't speak to her internet-boyfriend. This suggests that, much like Chuck Norris, the only thing that turns on Mike is Mike, or rather, an asshole equal to himself - which is rare. *When Mike gathered his things to move into the new house Robin bought, all he brought was a lamp, some type of clothes or linens, and a picture of Bob Denver dressed as Gilligan, which is apparently a trophy he stole from Walky prior to his death. *Had a vasectomy following Donna's birth. He brought his own chainsaw. *Since he started working at Shortpacked!, only two things have been seen to visibly affect Mike while sober: someone oblivious to his insults, and the death of Tony the Tiger's voice actor. * Mike's first insult, which happens to be his first speaking role, is 'buttpipe'. He's come a long way. Dumbing of Age Mike’s kind of a mean dude. No one’s really sure why. Ethan declined to room with Mike even though he’s known him since forever, probably because while he might be okay to hang out with, you don’t want to be around him while unconscious. Look out, Walky. History Mike, Ethan, and Amber O'Malley were school friends before arriving at IU, although why Ethan and Amber put up with Mike for any length of time remains an unsolved mystery. Interestingly a flashback revealed that he used to be sweet and polite kid, prone to smiling. Befriending Ethan and Amber quickly and standing up for Amber when a teacher graded her test wrong due to prejudice. Things started take more shades of grey however as he began blackmailing Blaine to be nicer to Amber and to personally drive her to a class field trip. This trip ends with disastrous consequences. After that fateful day, Blaine confronts Mike accusing of leaving something for "them" to find, and calling him a "white knight" while also comparing himself to Mike, claiming they are similar. Mike retorts that the reason he blackmailed Blaine to be nicer was in reality to torture both father and daughter. On-campus, Mike acts as a roving agent of chaos, picking at the flaws and insecurities in others and their relationships until something breaks. His notable accomplishments include: *Buying Walky a pair of pajama jeans that nearly led to his breakup with Dorothy Keener. *Convincing Danny Wilcox that he'd gotten to second base with Dorothy after Dorothy and Danny broke up. *Tricking Sal Walkerton into admitting she was having a sexual relationship with her TA, Jason Chesterfield. *Convincing Ethan to climb back into the closet (though his subsequent decision to date Joyce Brown was a bit much even for Mike). *Repeatedly punching Joe while acting as a paid chaperon on Joe's date with Joyce. Trivia *Despite his charming personality, Mike has been repeatedly voted DoA's Hottest Dude by readers. *Has actually used the phrase "Cool story, bro" in a real-life conversation. *Both of his romantic interests from the Walkyverse are now roommates. *He's not much of a liar, as he finds he can do more damage with the truth. Gallery File:Poster-game-1-1-.jpg| mike that's the wrong team Category:Roomies! Category:It's Walky! Category:Shortpacked! Category:Dumbing of Age Category:SEMME Agents Category:Shortpacked employees Category:Indiana University Students Category:Characters References